The Being Within

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I cannot sit still. I cannot stay idle.

When the person working next to me is working his ass off.

When my brothers and my father are training as if their endeavors were the only thing in the world, and are scraping their way up the world rankings as if there is no tomorrow.

When my closest friends are staying up late at night planning the next best move in their respective business ventures. Or when they search every corner for that extra minute they can spend to improve their music.

When the person I treasure most stays up late and gets up early so she can digest legal cases. And when she finds that extra hour so she could talk to me.


I cannot make excuses. I cannot think of a good one.

When the person working next to me works with only one hand and one eye. When he works dignified despite the fact that he is dyslexic (a fancy word for dumb).

When my father almost spend every dime for tournaments and opportunities to help my brothers grow, develop and mature as athletes, despite our not-so-good financial condition.

When my friends work 26 hours a day. When they cut their bodies in half to be in two places at a time.

When the person I treasure most has to deal with problems of her own, as if the high pillar of a stack of cases on her table was not enough to keep her occupied for 72 straight hours.


I could not sit still. I could not relax. My conscience won't let me.

When I see the glorious smile of the person working next to me as he finishes his ridiculous paperwork. When I hear him heave a sweet sigh after our day's struggle.

When I see the triumph in my brothers' eyes as they walk with swagger on their way to the stage to get their medals and trophies. When I see the pride and honor on my father's and my mother's eyes as they watch.

When I see the extraordinary sense of satisfaction and fulfillment on my friends' faces as they watch their ventures grow. When I see the passion on their faces as they hit high notes, shred guitar riffs and beat drum lines. When I see their ridiculous effort to improve themselves despite the natural limits.

When I see the person I treasure most in class, reciting everything she read the night before, getting straight A's on her law classes. When I hear her giggle over a detail she was not able to remember in the middle of that recitation.


Could I blame anyone if I fall short?


You see, I could blame anyone. I could blame you for not caring about this. I could blame the government for not putting enough attention on educational policies, and for pulling my leg regarding the whereabouts of my brother's one thousand dollar fund for his official athletic campaign abroad. Heck, I can even firehose the government with human excrement and it would not even make a difference. I could stand all day shouting expletives, heckling the justice system for letting killers, drug lords, plunderers and rapists go over a citation of stupid legal precedence and ridiculously flawed statutes. I can find a way to blame anyone I come across with. I can blame celebrities for evading tax. I can blame the pot-bellied police for being pot-bellied, and for being stupid. I can blame the Barangay Captain for using funds to establish a beerhouse. I can blame my teacher for teaching me that cocoons come first before caterpillars. I can go on forever trying to blame anyone.


But you see, I will not.


Because it's a freaking waste of time, a waste of existence. I'd rather scrape my way up my own ladder inch-by-inch than throw grenades blindly. Some things are really shit in disguise, so the possibilities for screw-ups are really inevitable. Instead of heckling you, my dear friend, for procrastinating instead of trying hard not to do epic failures, I'd rather mind my own. And I'd rather you mind yours. It would be absurd to complain and whine about the stupid TV channel when I have the freaking remote control in my hands, right?


Maybe it's about time you press yours. And try to get a life. We may be living in a world and a society full of shit, but we can not let it inside us. Do your damn part.

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